Forgiveness, in real life
What does forgiveness look like in everyday life?
Forgiveness is easy enough to talk about in the abstract—for Christians in particular, this is a topic we hear about quite a bit. We talk about Jesus’ forgiveness of our sins and the Christian imperative to forgive others when they wrong us. But what does that mean, exactly? Does it mean forgetting about the offense? Pretending it didn’t happen? Refusing to be angry at the offender?
In a recent article for Winning at Home, Shirley Valk explores the idea of forgiveness by citing the dramatic real-life case of a man who endured 11 years of prison for the crime of rape—a crime he hadn’t committed. After his eventual exoneration, he extended the hand of forgiveness to his accuser, and we can learn from his example:
Forgiveness is difficult for many of us to comprehend. How can a man spend 11 years in prison after being wrongly convicted and not be angry but forgiving? Forgiveness is not saying that what was done was okay. It is not letting the person who hurt you off the hook of the responsibility for what they did. It is not making it okay for the other person; it is making your life okay. Forgiveness is freeing your spirit, heart and mind. Forgiveness is taking care of you and restoring your relationship with God to wholeness.
Read the whole thing. And take a look at the many other regularly-posted articles at Winning at Home—they’re a great source of help and ideas for strengthening your family and navigating relationship challenges.
I am learning to forgive. My son was murdered on March 28, 2009 and the next morning I called the mans mother and told her I forgive him. Thank you for showing me that the forgiveness I extended to him was not for his benefit but my own. This has been difficult for me. The court date has been set for August 7, 2009. My son was the 7th murder of this year in San Antonio, Texas. The court date is on the 7th. I just believe God has His powerful hands in all of this. Please pray for my family and the accusers family also.
May the Lord Bless you and keep you. My prayers to both families.
reading this made me cry- I admire your strength. My ex husband is facing life in prison for being a habitual offender in texas. Domestic violence, gun charge and drug charges. I divorced him 9 years ago- but always brought our boys up to have love for their father- as well as forgiveness although I did not have him around them mostly. The oldest remembers what his father did to me so it was hard at times. I am so proud of these young men that I have the priviledge to call my sons. They are beautiful souls. I recently realized that forgiveness was more than what I had done so far. I will be going to visit my ex husband- writing him- encouraging him and praying for him. I never did that before. it was too hard. He would call me over the years when something terrible was about to happen- like being sentenced once to 4 yrs in prison. I was the first person he called. Not to say anything at all except that he was scared- and wanted to see the boys. I couldnt allow that just yet- but told him in time when he was sober he could. He served a couple yrs and when released last September did better than Ive ever seen for a few months- again- he’s back in there- and facing life. But there is a freedom in forgiveness- even for him. I wrote him today asking him to forgive himself. If God has- who is he not to? Who are any of us not to? God Bless you for doing the same in a situation that I hope I never live to experience- my prayers are with you.
It takes one to let go of one’s interests and be willing to forget. Even if a normal person would react and retaliate, you shut up and forgive.
My first husband was killed 26 years ago this year. I was pregnant at the time. Until last year, we didn’t see anyone prosecuted for the crime. When the victim’s families were able to get up (there were five families of five victims) most lashed out and it was awful…but the entire trial, I kept watching the men that did this, and in one, I could see him as a little boy sitting there…with no family that really cared about him when he was young…they had all been in and out of jail including his mother…I genuinely felt very sad for him. The other defendant, very defiant was angry and expressed his disdain at all of us…and yet, I still felt badly about all of it…The first trial ended before the jury got to decide, the first man, pled guilty…the second went to the jury and was found guilty. These men were cousins…
When it was my turn to get up and speak, I knew in my heart I could not say anything to “guilt” either of them into feeling remorse for what they had done…I knew God wasn’t going to choose that moment to miraculously bring my husband back and I knew my husband’s son was now all grown up and sitting in the room waiting to see what I would do…
so, I forgave them. Each separately…the first one, because, he did have one moment when he looked at me on the stand and I could tell he was maybe not sorry, but sad for me. The second one, really didn’t care, and wasn’t probably listening, but I let it go…and for the first time since I was 18 and my husband had been killed, I was free…
Forgiveness afterall is…giving up your right to retaliate and retaliation wouldn’t have changed anything or given any of us our family members back…but now, God has more than begun to restore all those years…and had wanted to do that for me 25 years ago…I just held things up.
Isn’t God faithful?
My former employees spread lies about me for years. I didn’t realize at the time the extent of it. I prayed for them every day on my way to work, helped them in any way I could and was rewarded by gossip and lies. I left the company only to return to the industry a year later with another company. I see these people every day. When a new facility was built, seven years later, they trashed me all over their break room wall. All this after seven years. Why? I still don’t know. I was acused of being a liar, a thief, you name it…they acused me of it. To make things worse a lot of people saw their work. I was even called a racist. They might as well have accused me of rape.
Like I said, I see these people every day. I just can’t seem to get past it. I can’t give forgiveness. I’m trying, and praying, and thinking. So far….I’m just not there.
I understand how you feel. My situation was that the man I married about 20 years ago hurt my son (not his biologically) to the point that today some of his left brain activity is not functioning. He was 16 months old at the time. On top of that, he had an adulterous affair.
I was beginning to become bitter and knowing what the scripture says in Heb. 12:15,
See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
To continue,
I asked the Lord what I should do because my son needed me to help him, he was 2 years old at that time. He told me “you know what to do”. And I did. I told him that I forgave him for what he did. Did I forget? No, I can not, but I do not hold it against him. I had to make a choice to heal myself. Also anytime you cannot not forgive, you are giving those people power over you and the Lord did not give you His Spirit to let that happen.
Jesus did not say it was easy, but doable. You have the power to choose. And even if the thought comes to be angry about it and them, remind yourself that you have forgiven them and it has no more power over you.
Make the choice. God bless you
I’m sorry to hear that. I know it’s hard. Remember, we suffer for Christ’s name. I’ve been told suddenly by a boyfriend, that he hated the Jesus in me! That was shocking and told me what to do next. But, I forgave him after it was over. He’s lost. These people, their spirits are battling your spirit in you, made up of Jesus hopefully, and that is what they’re battling. It’s not you if you didn’t wrong them! It’s the man inside of you. The Bible says we are to suffer for the name of Christ. Sorry, but it is SO true. Just be righteous, and know God fights your battles for you, so you don’t HAVE to! That’s neat right? We don’t have to be angry or retaliate. We can just leave it in his hands and forgive. easier said than done, but completely possible. God bless.
I’m like Mark in alot of ways. I want to forgive; but I am still feeling so bitter towards those who have done me wrong. I’ve prayed for strength to forgive; let God deal with them, and the insight to overcome the setbacks caused by their lies.
I am so proud of the people here, it is so easy to hate back, and want to hurt for ones suffering at the hands of others. But I rescently learned that I had hurt others very dear to me, and the whole time I was only trying my best to salvage a desperate situation. I fell into a dark deep pit of hell right here on earth. I wanted to die, I had lost my faith and all spirituality, I could not find the answers to my problems. As I came out of this dark place I was given so many signs and gifts of understanding and forgiveness for others overwhelmed me. I had learned that I was now hated for my actions and thought of as evil, when I was lost and only trying to fix the situation for the ones I loved. My deep depression and psychotic behavior which had long been out of my control, had scared others I loved dearly. When I saw this hate, it was like a gift from god, I now realized that I had had no forgiveness for others truly my whole life. And perhaps they were just like me in that moment and during those times when it appeared I was a terrible person and was only trying my best. There was this disconnect between what I had tried to do and how they viewed me. So in that moment it was like god speaking to me and saying how dare you judge others when you all so clearly are not capable of true judgement. You are skewed and will likely lead with your fears, hurt and anger, so leave that to me. So I thank god each day for this insight into others, I now have a profound ability to forgive anyone for anything they do to me or others, as I know not their story and why they do what they do, I will leave that judgement to god, only he knows what is in their souls.
God Bless you all in your search for peace.
i’m trying to excersie this gift .. but its so hardddddddddddddddddddd.. you all pray 4 me pleaseeeee!!!
I’m getting married this october.,and i still don’t know if i can forgive this person that i’m about to marry., i have a feeling that he is gay., and what hurts me most is that, he never admits it to me., he kept telling me that it ain’t true, that i’m exaggerating things., and that i am the only one he loves. but he keeps nude pictures of his guy friends. i assumed that they are friends cause he saved their number though there is no name above it., all i want from him is honesty, but he can’t give it to me., that’s why its so hard for me to forgive him., the wedding date is fast approaching and everything is in place., and now this., i really don’t know what to do…please pray for me.,
Angela, i hope my contribution doesn’t come too late as we have already started October. personally i think you should forgive him for wasting your time but as to marrying him. well if your suspicion and instinct tells you otherwise and so be it.
the problem you would not like is marrying him and finding out the truth later. also pray for him
I have been married for going on 9 years next week and my husband has from the beginning had a drinking problem. To the point that he doesn’t come home all night at least once per month, sometimes more. What makes it worse for me is that he will tell me he will be home in 20min but yet not walk in until 7hours later! He always says he is so sorry and that he wants to stop, but does nothing seriously to try and change. I have forgivin him so many times and have tried to be there for him but I am losing it literally. We have two children and so it makes this harder. Also, God doesn’t condone divorce so what do I do?? I can’t stand to be in the same room as him, but then i get lonely and I am afraid that if I go to him he may think that all is OK again…I’m lost.
@Karen, I can’t imagine the heartache you’re going through right now. I’d highly recommend talking with a pastor or a counselor. The fact this seems to be a cycle makes me think that a third party is your next step.
It doesnt say he doesnt condone divorce.. it does state not to be with another because in his eyes you are always one flesh. Please understand it also says to live a just life and one worth living. God knows whats in your heart. Our idea of marriage and divorce is not his… its said that whomever you are intimate with- you are of one flesh- I’ll let you decide what the difference is between anyone you have been with- are married to now or might be with in the future. My point is.. It is not “divorce” that he looks down on. Forgive yourself for what you have to do and believe that your husbands actions are in judgment of God.. so forgive your husband as well. And then decide whats best for you and your children without that guilt coming to mind. If you divorce- so be it- I did after 11 yrs. But you will move on and know to look for someone that will live a life that God himself knows you and your children deserve to live. Last thing- remember that forgiveness doesnt mean you cant move on- in fact- thats exactly what many do.. forgive and go free. Good luck.
I have struggled for the past 10 months begging for God’s grace to help me to forgive the man that abused (physical, mental and emotional) me and our daughter for over 20 years. I asked God to forgive me for making bad decisions in not escaping the abuse. But as David said above, I was trying to salvage a desperate situation. In turn, I hurt many, including my daughter, from my bad choices. The article from Ms Valk helped me to truly understand that forgivness is not reconciliation and it is something I need to do for myself. I make a conscious effort to forgive him and pray for him, but my heart has not come to that place. But I know that in God’s time, my forgivness will come from the heart and soul as well as the brain.
I pray for all who are going through this journey, and I hope they do the same for me. But I find comfort in that God knows we are imperfect humans doing our best in live Christ-like. God Bless you all.
To everyone that has written these beautiful remarks, I am so proud of you as my sisters and brothers. I am reading up for a prayer group that I lead and October’s group is about forgiveness. I am trying to truly understand forgiveness and how people put such conditions on it. It can be so hard but in the end dangerous to your soul. Thank you all for sharing. You are all on my heart.
I have decided to dig deep into the Bible on the topic of forgiveness. I have indirectly hurt a loved one the means the world to me. Through selfish and naive decisions, I have added burden upon burden on him for two years. I finally woke up and ralized what I had done. I was tearing this man down and not realizing it. Now he struggles to forgive me. He says he does, but when he has to work 16+ hour days, 5-6 days away from home to rebuild, he strike out at me emotionally. I can see his spitituality dimming because he has not truely forgiven me. I pray for him daily. I want him to see how it is forgiveness that is stunting his growth.
Do not marry this man. You have the holy spirit in you warning you. I was in your shoes. Excepy the same signs appeared 5 years into a marriage and 2 children. I ignored and denied to the highest degree. After all, he fathered my two beautiful children. I stayed another 5 years. I then realized my children will eventually see what I saw. He became more careless and obvious. I was allowing it and falling apart. Finally a had to break the news (hardesd think I have ever did)to my children. A million tears later and 2 years later I realized God kept me. I had no relationship with God through it all. But He knew me and kept me. Thank God for His strenghth, grace and mercy!
Love, in the truest sense, makes forgiveness easier. Do we really love the person as Christ would or only superficially as most people. I was married only 6 months when my Money Market Account with Merrill Lynch was wiped out. I had no idea what happened. They told me I had wriiten checks on the account. When the sent me the processed checks the were made out to my wife’s business and a obviously forged name. $100,000 gone.
Lynch offered to put the money back but that meant they would also prosecute my wife. Without hesitation I said, “no”.
We’ve been married 10 years now. I still remember, still less trusting, still in love. Forgiveness was for me a lesson of God’s grace and love.
After 25 years of marriage…moving out of our home of 13 years… moving his family out to the country to a strange town…our 13 year old daughter running away (from a trip back home from Calf.) My husband decided that he was leaving us. He had been having an affair approx. 3 years before we had moved. He was insistent that we get our children out of the city limits but really he wanted to have his family and his mistress. That did not work for me and he wasn’t willing to give her up. He chose to leave.It took sometime but God graced me with a forgiving heart. I am free now and my ex is free and God is pleased. My daughter returned home after almost 2 years, I have a job that I love and I have 4 beautiful grandchildren. Forgiveness is YOUR gift.
I’m trying to understand the meaning of forgiveness more! My boyfriend and I just got a puppy and she’s almost 3 months old and I work the night shift at the hospital and I live on my own in an small one bedroom apartment and when I work I usually work two nights in a row and the first night my pup is fine on her own but the when I get home I just want to sleep and I can’t sleep because she wants to eat and go out and play and I’m so wore out so I asked my boyfriend if he could pick her up for the night so I can sleep because I had to work that night. So he came and picked her up and at the time I was sitting my friend’s puppy so he took both of them and they ended up going to the bathroom on the floor at his house and his dad flipped out and was following him everywhere just screaming at him nonstop and I guess it progressed and his dad swung at him and then he ended up hitting his dad and then his mom threw the puppies over their second story balcony, fracturing my friends pups back leg and then my boyfriend pushed his mom and punched his dad again for that. Long story short, my boyfriend got arrested and nothing happened to his mom for animal cruelty and I was looked down on by his parents for something I didn’t even do. His mom apologized for what she did but I can’t get myself to forgive her or her husband. I feel like I was the one that did something wrong. They made me feel like I had no reason to be upset and so that makes me even more upset at them. I just don’t know what to do…I’ve done everything I could, prayed, read my bible researched it and I still have anger towards my boyfriends whole family….
Sarah, My heart goes out to you. I am sorry to hear that those puppies were hurt. It’s hard to forgive those that have hurt you or brought pain to those that you love and care about.I would suggest that you ask God to forgive YOU first for your anger towards this family and that you know that you must forgive but it’s too difficult. Try asking the Lord to forgive them THROUGH you. As time goes on you will see your heart change towards them. Give it time and don’t ask Him again because He doesn’t need to be reminded. I would also suggest that you not spend a lot of time with them, for a while anyway and before you do see them ask the Lord to guide your Thoughts, Words and Actions around them. They will see something in you and possibly have a change of heart for the good. GB!
This is not easy for me. But I’ll take my chances. My husband and I have been married for 6yrs. He asked me for a divorce early this year. We continued to live in the same house. During, which time he continued to disrespect me. He would stay out all night. He took another woman to his nieces college graduation. Finally, My son and I moved. Several months after I moved he contacted me. He spoke of us working things out. I responded to by telling him that he needed to start coming to church, seek individual counsel en, and couple counselen. He agreed and currently attends counselen with the pastor. But, I am praying to God to help me grow in forgiveness. It’s hard because my husband still has an arrogant attitude, looks for my imperfections (without looking at himself). I try to remember that this a spiritual warfare. But my husband really testes me. I know that forgiving him re lesses me!!! I am just waiting on the Lord to perform a miracle. I’ll keep praying. Any comments are welcome.. Be Blessed.
Tonya, I am glad that you and your husband have reunited. It’s a good thing. I don’t think that it is right for him to continue in his old behavior though. All sin needs to be exposed, to him, his counselor and your marriage counselor.In my own situation I found that I had to have the Lord forgive my ex THROUGH me and as time went by I was able to do that.It might take a while but be patient and stay in prayer. Make sure you ask the Lord to forgive you for ill feelings towards your husband too. If the treatment continues you might have to walk out that door again, don’t allow him to carry on in this manner. A little something I know that might help him think about what he did or said… Look at him in the eyes, look at the floor and shake your head as if you are saying no, turn around and just walk away. Do not say anything just walk away. And when/or if he appoligizes just say I love you and I forgive you.God Bless My Friend.