Gospel.com Blog

How does your church react when a member of the congregation leaves?

Gordon Atkinson, longtime pastor (and blogger) has written a thoughtful essay describing the importance of gracefully listening to the “parting shots” of departing church members… even when what they say isn’t what you want to hear:

Most of the time when people leave our church, however, they just disappear. We notice their repeated absence after some weeks have passed. If I can track them down, they’ll often give me their parting shot, a short, abbreviated explanation of why they are leaving. These parting shots can be difficult to understand. Sometimes people are angry over a real or imagined slight. Some people cannot honestly address why they are leaving the church, so they convince themselves that they’re “just not being fed,” or they need a place with more music or better music or different preaching. Sometimes people just lie—they don’t want to admit that they’d rather attend a large church where no one notices when they sleep in on Sunday morning, so they point a finger at a theologically wayward Sunday school teacher, or at my sermons…

Being in the ministry requires us to develop a thick skin. We need to learn to spot the bull and let it go without wasting too much emotional energy on it. But we also need to cultivate the ability to hear what people are really saying by listening to what is behind their words. However painful it may be, we must listen to the parting shots of those who leave, because there is truth buried there—below the anger and the scapegoating and the general dishonesty. My advice is to ignore one person’s opinion of you or your ministry, and to watch for trends and patterns.

I imagine that’s much easier to say than to put into practice; it can’t be fun listening to people tell you that they dislike your preaching so much that they’re leaving the church. If you’re a pastor, I’d be interested to hear how you handle these “parting shots,” and if you’ve learned to dig beneath the words to discern what’s really being communicated.

But since I’m not a pastor, my interest in this topic is more in how I, as a typical churchgoer, should act when I feel called to leave a church. I’ve never left a church out of anger or theological dispute; it’s always been something more mundane, such as moving to a different city. But reading Atkinson’s article makes me regret that I have rarely sat down with the pastor or leadership of a church to explain what I’m doing and offer a (friendly and positive) parting shot. Many employers conduct exit interviews with employees who are leaving the company; surely there’s valuable information to be gained from an informal interview with a departing churchgoer.

Pastors, how do you respond when you learn that a church member is leaving the church? And fellow churchgoers, have you ever delivered a “parting shot” upon leaving a church, and how did it go?

What does good leadership look like? For most Christians, “Christian leadership” is something practiced by the pastor and church staff. But there are many opportunities in everyday life where leadership is called for—and it may be that you, whether you’re a trained church minister or just an average Joe, are the one called to step forward and lead.

I was prompted to think about this sort of everyday leadership while browsing through the StudentSoul.org site. In an article called The Making of a Leader, Bob Fryling talks about the many different character qualities that go into being an effective leader—maybe the leader of a local Bible study, or of a discussion group, or of the local church baseball team.

As it turns out, there’s more about leadership at StudentSoul, and it applies not just to student groups but to anyone who’s ever called to take any sort of leadership role:

• You’re asking me to be a leader? If we’re honest with ourselves, all of us have made mistakes or have flaws that make us less-than-perfect leaders. But that doesn’t mean we can’t be effective, Christlike leaders when the situation calls for it.
• Should you say yes or no to leading? Ever been asked to take charge of a project or group, and wondered whether or not to commit? This article walks through the questions you should think through before saying either “yes” or “no.”
• Choosing new leaders: does your Bible study or student group work to cultivate future leaders? Here’s what to look for in potential leaders.
• The high cost of leadership: thoughts on the real challenges of any leadership role, and what you need to know before you step forward.

What’s interesting about all this discussion of leadership is how applicable these leadership qualities are to any Christian. You may not have a full-time job as a leader, but chances are you’ll be called on to lead at some point in your life—maybe even for just a short time. If you’ve given some thought to the qualities of a strong Christian leader, you’ll be ready to say “yes” when the opportunity and need arises.

Are you a pastor or church leader looking for a bit of inspiration to start off your Monday? The Online Pulpit is a semi-regular column that shares thoughts from working pastors, covering a wide range of topics relevant to church leaders.

The most recent column is about a serious topic, but one that pastors are called to address frequently in the course of their ministry: death and mortality. Gerry Koning uses an unusual metaphor to paint the human journey through life and death in a new light, casting the process of life not just as a morbid approach to death, but as a unique journey back toward our true spiritual home with God. If you’re a pastor who deals with this issue often, it might help you to comfort people grieving the loss of a loved one, or facing death themselves.

If that’s too heavy a topic for a Monday morning, there are plenty more columns to explore in the Online Pulpit archives, which go all the way back to 1995. For starters, you might take a look at The iPodization of Our Culture, about our increasing tendency to focus inward on ourselves; Ministry or Management?, which addresses the delicate balance between “running a church” and shepherding a congregation; or The Church in Exile, about how to address the church’s slide into cultural and intellectual exile from the world.

Have you ever wondered what kind of thought and planning goes into choosing the songs you sing (and sometimes play) in a worship service? If you’re a worship leader, do you have a solid, Biblical system for thinking through and choosing music pieces that fit each church service?

The process of selecting worship music will be different for each individual congregation and worship style, of course. But to help you think through your music choices, FarsiPraise has collected some thoughts on the matter from a variety of church and worship leaders (both are in PDF):

• An essay by Paul Oakley (of the Church of Christ the King in Brighton, England) that walks through seven steps for considering and choosing worship music.
• A second collection of short mini-essays by seven other church leaders explaining how they choose music for their churches.

If you’re a church leader struggling to pick the right music, these thoughts from other leaders might help. And if you’re a congregation member who’s always wondered who chose the music and why, they might give you some insight into an important part of weekly worship planning!

Even if you aren’t a student of church history, you may have heard of the preacher and author Charles Spurgeon—his Morning and Evening daily devotionals have stood the test of time and remain extremely popular today.

While Spurgeon was quite serious about the Gospel message he preached, he was also known for his wit and sense of humor. While browsing through the article archives at the Evangelical Press Association website, I came across an interesting article about the great value that Spurgeon placed on humor in his life and ministry:

Spurgeon laughed as often as he could. He laughed at the ironies of life, he laughed at comical incidents, he laughed at the amusing elements of nature. He sometimes laughed at his critics. He loved to share wholesome jokes with his friends and colleagues in ministry. He was known to tell humorous stories from the pulpit. [...]

Spurgeon considered humor such an integral part of his ministry that a whole chapter in his autobiography is devoted to it. Humor permeates his sermons and writings, often woven into the fabric of his messages. It’s one reason among many why he is still so readable today.

You can get a feel for Spurgeon’s wit by reading some of the many sermons and devotionals he wrote. There’s the Morning and Evening devotional mentioned above, and if you really want to get to know your Spurgeon, there are over 700 sermons by Spurgeon awaiting your perusal over at SermonIndex.

The latest Online Pulpit essay is up, and asks an unusual question: if you’re in a leadership position in your church, do you have a mentor?

Most of us might assume that our pastors and leaders “have it together” and don’t need spiritual guidance—but the pressures of leadership mean that your pastor might need a trustworthy mentor or accountability partner even more than the rest of us do:

As pastors and Christ followers…. we know we never outgrow the need for mentors. In every stage of life mentors are vital. Children, young adults, parents, married couples—individuals in literally every stage of life benefit from having a guide along the way. As I have been focusing on this important aspect of ministry the last few months, I have been asking myself the question, How are we ministers and the church doing?

If you’re a pastor who doesn’t have a trustworthy mentor to turn to, read this latest essay by Joan E. Tyvoll and consider the ways such a person might strengthen your ministry.

Yesterday we talked about several good youth ministry leadership resources. Here are three more good essays to add to that list, courtesy of Youth Specialties:

• Are you a “side-door leader”? You don’t need to be a member of the church staff to be an effective leader in your congregation. Kent Clayton talks about the importance of “unofficial” leadership:

  Side-door leaders are people who have influence in ministry settings without (necessarily) having an official role as leader; real leaders are those who wield power, regardless of position. Leadership is changing—in the postmodern milieu, people value following those worth being followed over pursuing those with the right titles. Structures and systems no longer hold the validity they once did. Sometimes, the real authority lies with the parents, the long-term youth volunteers, and even the students who shape the culture of a ministry’s leadership. Paid staff and youth coordinators aren’t necessarily part of that mix. In the real world, leaders are recognized, not appointed. Side-door leaders know how to weave influence without storming the main gates of a board, committee, session, or staff hierarchy.

• Youth leaders, have you given up on the prospect of getting your middle-school students to be spiritual leaders for their peers? Cliff Olson writes about the difficult but not impossible tasks of cultivating middle-school leaders.
• Does your ministry have a single leader directing all of its operations? The last several decades have shown that by organizing your youth or church ministry into gift-based leadership teams, rather than following the traditional hierarchical model of leadership, you can expand your reach.

Take a read through and see if any of these ideas are applicable to your ministry!

This week, we’re focusing on the topic of leadership. You can find a lot of leadership resources on our Leadership topic page; but we’ll also be highlighting a few good resources in more detail here on the blog.

So where to begin? “Leadership” is a pretty broad topic—in a Christian context, it can cover a wide variety of roles. There’s “official” church leadership—pastors, worship leaders, and other church staff. You can also lead a small group or a Bible study. And you can be a Christian leader outside the church grounds: you might have a leadership role in your community or your business, or you might just be someone that other people look to for advice and direction.

To kick things off this week, one ministry with a special focus on leadership is Officers’ Christian Fellowship. Many of OCF’s resources use a bit of military-specific language (it is a military ministry, after all), but I think you’ll agree that their leadership guidance is applicable to just about anyone. Here’s a quick tour of some of their free resources for leaders:

• Leading Effective Small Groups is one of the best primers I’ve seen on managing a successful Bible study group. It includes a great list of 20 ‘do’s and ‘don’t’s for a Bible study, and even a section on a touchy subject: how to deal with disruptive people in your Bible study. (It’s also available as a PDF download.)
• The 100 Days Bible Study is a great resource for Bible study leaders. It’s a 70-page document with short Bible study topics and discussion points covering dozens of topics. It’d be very useful for an impromptu Bible study, or for use when your small group needs something to talk about.
• Follow Me is a short essay that looks at the type of leadership that Jesus demonstrated, and offers ideas for emulating him.
• Eleven Bible studies about leadership, thoroughly addressing each of the traits that makes for a good Christian leader, from your attitude to your role to your vision for your group. There’s also an essay about Leading a Bible study which is essentially a shorter version of the longer essay we mentioned above.
• And if that’s not enough, OCF has many more articles on the topic of leadership.

If you’re a leader in your church community—officially or otherwise—take a look at these materials!

Last month, the Andy Unedited blog offered some useful tips for mastering your fear of public speaking—worth reading before you’re next called to speak in front of an audience or congregation. There’s a new post up about another aspect of the same topic: using humor effectively in a speech. Take his advice, and don’t ruin any more of your sermons with poorly-delivered jokes!

Does the idea of standing in front of an audience—or congregation—scare you to death? You’re not alone; public speaking ranks high on most people’s lists of scary situations. But if you’ve been called to speak in front of an audience (perhaps as a reader or worship leader at your church), a recent post at the Andy Unedited blog can help, with six practical tips to help you survive your public speaking experience. Great advice for anyone called unexpectedly to speak in front of others—and even the most eloquent pastor could probably stand to brush up on his sermon delivery skills every now and then.