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Our question this afternoon is a bit different from the last several ones, but I think it’s appropriate with the looming approach of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and those epic family get-togethers that characterize the holidays: how do you deal with the “black sheep” in your family?

Here’s an answer from Dan Seaborn of Winning at Home, a Christ-centered family ministry:

A wise counselor friend once told me that the best way to deal with family members—especially difficult ones—is to simply be a family member to them. What he meant by this was that we should make efforts to bring the very best of family into the relationship. We should lead with love, reaching out to our relatives even when they hurt, annoy, and offend us.

This sounds much less complicated than it really is, of course, because past hurts can run deep, and because if there’s anybody on earth who can really get under your skin, it’s family.

Think about it, though. How would things change if you made an effort to bring the black sheep a little closer to the fold? What would be different if you practiced extra patience, built a bridge, agreed to disagree?

Now, I’m not going to say that there shouldn’t be any accountability or that we should turn a blind eye to real problems.

Still, there should come a time when you acknowledge that this family you’ve got is the only one you’ve got. It might never be perfect, but it will always be worth making a phone call, having a conversation, having a laugh.

Read the complete answer at the Winning at Home website.

Do you agree? Are you looking at any difficult family gatherings this holiday season, and if so, how do you deal with difficult family members with Christlike grace? And for extra credit, rephrase the question to ask how we should deal with the “black sheep” in the church family—is your answer to that any different than your answer to the original question?

What do you think?

XXXChurch recently shared some statistics from a study about how iPhones and Blackberries are used. It seems that as people flock to mobile devices, they’re starting to use them for pornography and for managing parts of their relationships that probably shouldn’t be managed electronically:

The “study” involved polling 445 iPhone and Blackberry users about their relationships with other people and their kit, and discovered that iPhone users consider themselves to be extrovert intellectuals who know a lot about the media but find a lack of high-tech gadgets to be a turn off.

35 per cent of iPhone owners said they would find a partner with out-of-date electronics a turn off, though a quarter have dumped someone who was spending too much time playing with their phone.

33 per cent of those with an iPhone have used a text message or e-mail to break up with a partner – which is harsh, though nothing beats fax for that sharing-the-pain experience. When it comes to good news electronics are, apparently, out: none of those polled would propose marriage by text or e-mail.

When not dating, 20 per cent of iPhone users admitted to frequently watching adult material on their 3.5-inch screen, and more than 60 per cent consider themselves to be extrovert.

Porn use on these devices doesn’t surprise me; the adult industry always finds a way to exploit new technologies, and unfortunately far too many people succumb to the temptations they offer. (For what it’s worth, XXXChurch has submitted a version of their XXXChurch software to Apple’s app store and are currently awaiting approval, which should hopefully help those who want accountability find it wherever they connect to the internet.)

However, I was surprised by the statistics about ending relationships via text messages or email. It seems to me that you owe it to the person you’re dating to have that conversation in person.

Do you think that the advent of these technologies is making it too easy to pursue shallow relationships? How have you seen smart device usage affect your relationships? Have you seen positive change come about in any of your relationships because of technologies like the iPhone or Blackberry?

Does God have a particular person chosen to be your spouse?

This idea has been used for years to comfort despondent Christians who worry that they’ll never find Mr. or Mrs. Right, and given that we believe God to be all-knowing and all-powerful, there’s a certain sense in thinking that He’s got somebody picked out for us all.

But if you think about that idea for a while, some questions and problems present themselves. If God has somebody “picked out” for you, should you actively search for said person, or trust that God will bring them into your life? How do you know if somebody is “the one”? And what about the gift of singleness?

Here’s how Nehemiah Ministries answers the question:

[In 1 Corinthians,] Paul stops short of guaranteeing that God will provide a spouse to anyone who wants one. Neither here nor anywhere else does Paul—or any biblical writer—lock God into a required response to any human need. There is always the possibility that God will choose not to meet a need directly but to give the grace to live contentedly with unfulfilled desires, a point Paul stresses in his second letter to this church (2 Cor 12:7-10).

Still Paul puts the accent on hope in his teaching on marriage, and throughout his writings urges us toward faith in a God who provides all of our needs in Jesus Christ (Phil 4:19). If you want to be married, you certainly have reason to stay hopeful that God will provide someone to meet that need unless he changes your desire or in some clear way shuts the door.

Again, it is important as you maintain this hope to keep your expectations within reasonable bounds. If you’re thinking, “God has one ideal choice for me,” you may be setting your standards for that person impossibly high. When we consider the perspective on God’s role which was in Paul’s mind as he wrote 1 Corinthians 7, it seems to be not “God has one ideal person for you to marry”—but “God will help you find a suitable partner.” This is usually a more edifying thought to dwell on. The person whom he gives you to marry will have imperfections and failings, just as you do. Still that person will complement you in a way that will work for your greater happiness and a more fruitful life together for Christ.

Read the rest of “Is God a Matchmaker?” at Nehemiah Ministries.

What do you think? Is God a matchmaker? Does this idea fit with, or go against, your own experience?

What do you think?

As trivial as it might seem compared to “real” holidays like Christmas and Easter, Valentine’s Day can be alternately exciting and terrifying. Although several years of marriage have given me a new perspective on relationships and this particular holiday, I remember well the weirdness of being single on Valentine’s Day: if you’re in a relationship, it prompts all sorts of deep and difficult questions about love and commitment; and if you’re not in a romantic relationship, Valentine’s Day is at best an annoyance to be skipped past and forgotten as quickly as possible.

But whether you’re enjoying your 40th year of marriage or are planning to stay home and watch the NBA Dunk Contest by yourself this Saturday, it’s still worth taking a few minutes to consider the Bible’s teachings about love and relationships. One of the most thoughtful Christian writers I know on this topic is Blaine Smith of Nehemiah Ministries. Here are two essays that will get you thinking this Valentine’s Day:

• Is God a Matchmaker? Written with singles in mind, this essay tackles an oft-repeated but somewhat dubious claim: that God has picked out one perfect person for you to marry. So are you supposed to sit back and wait for God to bring that person into your life—and how would you even recognize the “right” person? Blaine finds the message behind this idea a bit troubling, and has some good suggestions for singles intimidated by the prospect of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right.
• The Compassion Factor: what does real love look like? It doesn’t always bear much resemblance to the love on display in books, movies, and popular culture. If our expectations about love are unrealistic, we risk failing to recognize it when it appears.

Both of these essays are from Blaine’s book Should I Get Married?, which despite the title is not just for couples considering marriage; it’s a good all-around book about Biblical relationships and romantic love. Enjoy—and have a good Valentine’s Day!

It’s Father’s Day—a special day set aside for showing some appreciation for good ol’ dad. Fathers have a unique and critical role to play in raising their kids and helping their families keep on track spiritually. Take a few minutes today to reflect on the ways that your father has contributed to your life (and if your relationship with dad is less than perfect, there’s no better time to take steps to mend it!). And if you’re a father, today you get to bask in your families’ praise… but it’s also a good opportunity to think hard about your role in the family and how you can do an even better job of being a father.

We’ve gathered a few Father’s Day links to inspire you today:

• Over at Revive Our Hearts Radio, Nancy Leigh DeMoss has a moving broadcast about the importance of honoring your father, from a daughter’s perspective in particular.
• Dads, no matter how good (or bad) a job you’ve done at fatherhood so far, there’s always room for improvement. Winning at Home has a number of great articles and resources about fatherhood: ask yourself the Three Questions for Fathers and see how you’re doing. See also A Wise Dad’s Big Tent, about what to do when you commit a parenting blunder with your kids; and there’s plenty more good parenting and family advice at the Winning at Home Answers section of the site.
• Psychology for Living has numerous articles about cultivating healthy family relationships. As you think on the challenge of parenting, take a look at Ten Ways You Can Shape a Child’s Life and The Emotionally Healthy Family.
• RBC Ministries’s Answers to Tough Questions has a lot of solid advice for encouraging healthy spiritual growth in your family and relationships—see in particular the section on parent-child relationships.

So dads—sit back, relax, and enjoy being the star of the show this Father’s Day… and give some thought about how you’re going to be an even better father this year than you have been in the past. And don’t forget to say thanks to your father!

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, InterVarsity Christian Fellowship has an interview with Mindy Meier. Mindy has been doing campus ministry for quite some time and has recently compiled answers to some of the most questions she is frequently asked in a new book called Sex and Dating.

From the online interview:

Many InterVarsity chapters seize the opportunity to schedule special events around Valentines Day. “If you’re ever going to have a talk on sex and dating, or on relationships, it’s certainly an appropriate time to do that,” Mindy said. Through television, music, and movies, students are bombarded by sexually charged messages. “They need to hear a Christian voice and a positive presentation of sexuality from God’s point of view,” she added.
…
Although a lot of the questions, and the answers, have stayed the same over the past 20 years, there are some new ones that relate to technological innovations, for instance. “No one was meeting marriage partners on the internet 20 years ago,” she said. “That presents new issues.”

People who are matched by computer often have amazing compatibility. But that only goes so far, because relationships still take work. “It’s always merging two personalities, and that’s challenging,” she observed. But when inevitable problems surface the internet isn’t necessarily to blame. “Any two people that try to put together a relationship are going to run into some bumps in the road.”

Valentines Day is an important day on campus, because college students are interested in love and relationships. InterVarsity staff help students focus on healthy relationships that can stand the test of time.

The full audio interview is interesting as she attempts a few quick answers about topics like, “How do you know if you should get married to the person you’re dating?” She offers the advice that you don’t marry a person you marry a family. Ask yourself the question, Do I want to spend 50% of my Christmases with these people? A fact that not everyone thinks of before marriage.

Sex and Dating is available now through InterVarsity Press. You can read the table of contents and excerpts form the book here.

How can your help your children cope with a divorce? How should I confront bad behavior in my kids? What do I do if my spouse doesn’t share my Christian faith?

All difficult questions—but RBC Ministries’ Answers to Tough Questions takes a crack at answering them from a Biblical perspective. There’s a whole section devoted to questions about relationships, including marriage and parenting questions. The questions cover dozens of important issues that crop up in most families—in addition to the questions above, they touch on everyday family issues like family television viewing and the special challenges that stepfamilies face. You might not agree with every answer, but they’ll definitely get you thinking more Biblically about the relationships that define your family.